Saturday, August 2, 2008

A Good Day.

Sometimes, in the face of what you're up against, it's easy to lose sight of who is running the show. This year, I had someone ask me just how I planned to come up with the money that we require to get this media school off of the ground.

As I contemplated the question, I couldn't help but notice Haiti's majestic mountains, spiring toward the sky, just over the person's shoulder. Calmly, I pointed to the mountain and said, "If God can make that mountain, then the money should be no big deal."

But the questions come hard and fast and a not-so-subtle disapproval is delicately weaved into their precise wording. Most are well meaning, I suppose. But rarely do any assume you are really hearing God. I think most folks believe that they will be the one to save you from your soon-to-be, opus of a mistake.

I could try and explain just how very much this process has been like trying to run through a dark forest with no light of any kind. I could try to make you understand what it feels like to be after something, so completely, so committed, that you are always teetering on the brink of total failure and a hard-to-define success.

I could attempt to express what it feels like to force yourself into a mold that society doesn't approve of, abandoning all constructs of what makes for a "a good man" or a "good woman". I could try hard to express the hollow feeling of reliance upon God, each and every time you look into the eyes of your child and accept that one misstep could cost them their life, coupled with the constant nag of doubt that tells you this is all a HUGE mistake... that you have lost your mind... and you are positioning your family for certain destruction.

Then there is the constant awareness that some people are just mad... out of their mind... clinically insane... and that you are never above being one of them.

There are always real, practical, concrete reasons why you should not continue onward. The reasons for moving ahead are invisible, intangible, and private... never enough to satisfy the critics and sometimes, barely enough to satisfy ourselves.

Defeat is met often. To stand up and dust oneself off is a constant ritual. Morale fails to survive for long. You find other reasons for continuing. "Because I want to" is silently replaced with "because it's easier than going back."... and that is ugly and hard to even admit.

But we pick up one foot and drop it hard in front of the other. There's no water in the tank... no vacuum of space to cushion the fall. It's all gravity. Like the surface of the sun, I suspect.



And then a moment comes. It's usually private and quiet. It's private because all that makes it special is connected to deep secrets of your heart, things you don't typically share with the rest of those looking on.

A vision from years past finally comes true. A dream you dreamed actually happens to you. A gut feeling that you banked on, eventually pays off.

In no uncertain terms, a day like today happens. Today was a good day. We are one step closer to Haiti. One big step. Suffice it to say... it's enough to keep all of that "crazy talk" at bay.

All the chips are on the table.

Everything is at stake.

and I'm still banking on the God that made those beautiful mountains.

*thanks to Troy Livesay for the last two photos.


T and T Livesay said...

Yay. Who wrote a huge check?

I sure hope we never discouraged you by asking questions ... if we did, it was NOT our intent ... we get the "people think you are crazy" part -- we love you guys!

The Renner Family (Haiti) Blog said...

As you guys know... questions are wonderful. They keep you pointed. Focused. You should always ask questions. That's the only way to flush the frauds from their roosts. But you also know that the questions can often remind you of the fact that you are walking on air... faith... and often times, nothing more.

In a world that loves tangible answers, we often find ourselves unable to satisfy the onlooking crowd.

Despite the fact that we are "strangers" and "aliens", I think it's understandable that we seek to belong and hold fast to a desire to appease those who watch us from the sidelines.

In a nutshell, the gut of my post was to say that we really can't serve God and man. For one half of our mind (or the other), that will always be deeply frustrating.

The beat goes on.

Stephanie said...

That is good and true. " I lift my eyes up to the mountains, that is where my help comes from. From the maker of heaven and earth..." Psalm 121