Tuesday, September 2, 2008


Alright, I must concede; my brother is far more brilliant than I... at least this week. Here is a wonderful piece of satire that he recently wrote. I think all of you need to read this.

Open letter from God to Americans (satire)

Hello, I am God. I made you. I need you to understand a few things about me, so it will go well with you. I love you when you obey me, and I let the devil hurt you when you don't. I am your Father, and like all good fathers on earth, when you mess up - even accidentally - I get angry with you, but I eventually get over it, usually after I have punished you in a way that feels right to me. You're not smart enough to know my ways, but I won't give you the benefit of the doubt. I teach you things the hard way - it's the only way you will learn. As a consequence, if you do mess up, don't come to me for anything special for a while. Make sure you give me time to cool down first. OK, now that the heavy stuff is out of the way, and on a much lighter note -

You are my favorite child. I love you more than any of the other children I have created. That's why you get all the cool stuff like cars, and houses, and TVs, and food that isn't rotten. It's because of where you happen to live, because your country was founded by people who loved me and followed all my commandments. They didn't steal other people's property. They didn't kill other people to get what they wanted. They only came here to flee from the devil and his minions. They just wanted to be able to worship me freely. And you are truly blessed by me because of what they did. Your country is pretty freaking awesome. I am so glad I created it. Even your money says that you trust me. It's no wonder I count on you to rid the world of evil. Where would the world be today without you? Please don't worry about anything. Take whatever you need. Make yourself at home on earth. I made it for you to enjoy. I am good like that. And as for the poor...remember my son said that there would always be poor people. Don't worry about it. It's not your problem. Most of them are poor because they aren't following me as well as you are. Sometimes lessons are hard to learn, but I can't keep bailing them out all the time.

But be careful not to come too close to me on your own. You need anointed leaders to explain me and my scripture to you. My glory is too much for you to stand, so you should definitely find an anointed leader to follow. They will make sure that the things they tell you on my behalf are right. I trust them to lead you, and you should trust them wholeheartedly too. They got where they are by following other anointed leaders and learning from them. Just look at the signs and wonders that follow them. Look at the cars they drive and the houses they live in. That should be proof enough that I am blessing them and setting them apart to lead you. They don't make mistakes. That small voice in your spirit might be the devil - especially if it raises questions about the things that your leader does and says. Be sure to check everything that voice says with your approved leader. If they say it's not of me, it's not. I know my book says I talked with shepherds, fishermen, nomads, slaves, women, and children, but I don't talk to the rank and file anymore. I had to do that back then because I didn't have the leader class in place yet. You understand.

Finally, never underestimate the "hedge of protection" you have heard so much about. When you are inside my will for your life, nothing bad will happen to you. If something bad does happen to you, you only have yourself or the devil to blame. But since the devil is no match for my hedge of protection, obviously, you did something to make me mad. Didn't I tell you not to do that?

OK then.

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